Desire
Hear this word Desire
Also known as:
To want
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What Is It?
Desire is when we want to do something or experience something. If we desire to do something that involves other people, it is important to make sure there is consent from everyone.
Desire includes everyday activities like wanting to eat a meal, wanting to spend time with people we care about, wanting to make new friends, or wanting to learn something new.
People can also desire experiences such as giving someone a hug, wanting to kiss someone, wanting to date someone, or wanting to experience other sexual activities like masturbating or having sex with partners. If we want or desire an experience with another person, it will be important to get consent first.
Also, if a person is sexually aroused, that does not mean that they want or desire sex or to do any sexual activities. Sexual arousal is not consent and it does not mean that the person is experiencing desire.
An Example
Sometimes when Lana and Devy feel sexually aroused, they desire (or want) to have sex. Other times when they feel sexually aroused, they don’t want or desire to have sex. They’d rather flirt with each other or have a nice conversation. Sometimes Lana and Devy want or desire sex but they are too tired, so they cuddle and go to sleep instead.
What to Know
Every glossary word connects to different parts of the Sexuality Wheel. Explore the information below to learn more.
- Sexual desire is not the same thing as sexual arousal. Even if a person’s body shows signs of arousal (like an erection or vaginal lubrication) or they are experiencing sexy thoughts or feelings, this does not mean that the person desires or wants to have sex or to do sexual activities.
- Desire is an important part of pleasure and consent.
- When a person desires or wants to do something that involves another person, it’s important to first communicate what you want and to give the other person the opportunity to communicate if they also want to do that thing or not. If they don’t want to do the thing you desire, it’s important to accept their response. If they have other ideas, pay attention because maybe you might like some of their suggestions. If they want to do what you want or desire, and you both agree on what you’d like to do, then that’s great, too.
Think about
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How does it feel when you want or desire something?
- We may experience desire in different ways. Some people might feel more awake when they desire something.
- Some people might have a thought like “I like that, “I want to do that,” or “yes!” Some people experience desire as feeling interested, excited, curious, or happy.
- Learning to recognize when we want or desire something can help us identify experiences that feel good to us.
How does it feel when you do not want or desire something?
- When we do not want or do not desire something, we might have thoughts like, “I don’t want to do that” or “no.”
- Some people might lose energy when they do not want or desire something.
- People might have feelings like feeling nervous, scared, angry, or annoyed when they do not want or desire something.
- Learning to recognize when we do or do not desire something, can help us identify experiences that feel good to us, or to find support if we’re experiencing something we don’t want or desire.